Finding Purpose: why I quit chasing the ladder in favour of the snakes

Green vine snake in Costa Rica

"Purpose"

A word that is often overused, yet undervalued. A word of wisdom, turned buzz word.

But who even are we, without a "purpose"? What is important to us? What do we stand for? What is it that's worth fighting for, worth dedicating our every existence to?

Questions I asked myself a year ago, when the opportunity to take voluntary redundancy from my corporate employer emerged. Very important questions that sparked the biggest decision of my career thus far, and helped to accelerate the person I am becoming (or have always been?)

For some, it's clear from the day they are asked which subjects they want to study at high school. For others, it goes beyond the vocational—knowing their lifelong desire is to be a parent, for example.

But for me it was a different story. A painfully indecisive person (read: Libra!) with crippling self-doubt and a tendency for perfectionism (which is often the enemy of progress), I really had no idea where my life was going.

I'd somehow managed to shape a career that was considered 'successful'—a place I had reached through a series of informed (and safe) decisions, that were not part of any long-term strategy. I did (and do) work hard though, and take great pride in what I deliver. But long hours staring at a laptop screen, responding to god-knows-how-many emails over the years, stressing about impending deadlines...it takes it's toll eventually. Somehow twelve years just passed, and I felt like I didn't really have anything tangible to show for it—other than a suite of nicely designed powerpoint decks!

Saving for retirement

I'd always considered myself a "career person" because I didn't have much inclination to be a parent (before I knew it was possible to be both). But one day I found myself wondering if this was really it, if this was all I was put here for. If this is how I'd forever spend my days until I retired, and was then too old to enjoy the gift of life. Or maybe I wouldn't even make it to retirement, we have literally no idea what fate has in store for us. A sobering thought, I know, but shouldn't we be mindful of these things?

Do we really work this hard for 40+ years, counting down the days until the weekend, the weeks until payday, the months until the next holiday, the years until the next promotion? Just to finally be able to enjoy life when we hit 67 (or probably later, in some of our cases)? Is this really living?

Existential crisis

"It's just the way it is", people would tell me when I posed the question. "But why?" I always respond, like a petulant child. Why do we accept that it's just the way it is, that this is the only way of living? Have we been conditioned by our societal norms into thinking that we have no choice in the matter? Or maybe everyone else is happy with this system... In which case, I wondered what was wrong with me? Why did I want more from life than what "normal" people are contented with? And what is it, exactly, that I was seeking?

Eco anxiety

As if pondering the meaning of life wasn't enough to contend with, it was around the same time I started taking an active interest in the environment.

I remember the exact moment that piqued my curiosity. I'd been at my Grandma's, a self-identifying bird lady, and she'd saved the latest copy of the RSPB quarterly magazine for me, as she usually did (a love for nature being something we'd shared since I was little). I read an article that mentioned climate change, a term I wasn't too familiar with at the time (c. 6 years ago). I decided to give it a quick Google search, and down the proverbial rabbit hole I went.

It started with the IPCC 1.5 degree global warming report, which had recently been released. The first time dipping my toe in the (melting Arctic ice) water on the subject, this was a particularly hard read—one I suddenly began to regret. It seems once you've opened your eyes to these things, it's impossible to unsee.

Fight or flight

It's now well researched that anxiety, particularly when it relates to the future survival of our very own species, can be paralysing. It can leave us feeling completely hopeless, and helpless. I went through a pretty rough spell, drowning in research and consumed by bad news about the state of our planet's health... all the while seeing governments rolling back climate commitments, issuing new licenses for oil fields, micro-plastics found in newborn babies, annual whale culls continuing in 'civilised' countries. And worst of all, people around me caring more about the latest TikTok craze or 'fast fashion' phase, as though none of this was happening. I just couldn't understand it. Why was nobody else panicking, like I was?

Researchers are increasingly investigating if this sort of emotional response to the climate crisis that I was experiencing might actually be useful, and how it might be helpful for more people to feel it too (Kurth & Pinkala, 2022).

"Greta Thunberg’s activism, borne out of her depression and urge to make a difference, is an example of the positive outcomes climate anxiety can have" (Borter, 2019).

It got me thinking, if I could feel this deeply passionate about something, surely it would be better to channel those emotions into something more positive? Instead of falling deeper into depression, maybe I could be part of the solution instead? And maybe that would help with the existential crisis I was also experiencing?

The turning point

I started seeking out volunteering opportunities that might help to alleviate the guilt I was feeling for all of the damage that we (collectively) have done to our home. It started with organising litter picks with my colleagues and in my local community, and then expanded to joining the Scottish Wildlife Trust as a Trustee on the council.

Shortly after that, I signed up to participate in a Rewilding Week with Trees for Life. I spent an entire week in a bothy (a basic shelter in remote places) deep in the most stunning glen in the Scottish Highlands with eleven others, no wifi, heating or hot water. We spent the days out in the hills planting native trees to help restore the Caledonian Forest, and evenings were spent having communal meals, creating music by the fire, or gazing up at the Milky Way. It was one of the most awe-inspiring experiences I'd had to date, leaving me feeling more connected than ever to nature, but also part of a community of like-minded people. Finally I felt like I could be myself and didn't feel like the 'odd' one for caring about the state of our planet. I realised that I was not alone.

This ended up being quite a pivotal moment for me, and has altered the trajectory that I was on in my career and with life in general, really. I'd never had such clarity before, and at this point I knew I wanted to dedicate the rest of my life to protecting and restoring nature.

Our obsession with progression

It's clear that as a society we have a sort of one-dimensional view of what "success" looks like. Whilst it can mean different things to different people, the greatest priority always seems to be how our careers are progressing (aka how much money we are making). It makes sense in a consumerist society, where GDP and our physical appearance are the ultimate indicator of wealth.

RSPB TikTok Meme

So, when the notion came to me that I wanted to trade in my well-paid, comfortable (but unfulfilling) corporate career for a lower wage, getting-my-wellies-stuck-in-a-bog sort of job, I was naturally nervous about what people might think. They would call me crazy, a "hippy", a dreamer. They would say that I was a failure, that I couldn't cope with the stress of a "normal" job.

After many months of introspection and reflection (aka therapy), I came to the realisation that other people's opinions actually don't matter. My crippling self-doubt was coming from a place of caring too much about what others think, and that is the very thing that had kept me stuck for so long.

I understood, then, that true wealth comes from fulfilment and purpose. And that is what I was seeking.

From corporation to conservation

So, I knew that 'Big Corp' was no longer where I fit in. Someone at the company once told me they felt like a square peg in a round hole, and at that point I understood. I knew then that I wanted to pursue a career in conservation, something that I was genuinely passionate about and would give me the opportunity to drive change. But I didn't have any technical knowledge, so step one was to enroll back in formal education. After much research, I came across the MSc Wildlife and Conservation Management distance learning course at SRUC, which was designed especially for career changers that could be studied alongside full-time employment. Perfect! That turned out to be A LOT of work alongside a full time job, but I made it through first year and really enjoyed the course content. Only two more years to go.

I also started listening to The Career Change Podcast, which was really helpful (Rikke Hansen's voice <3). A critical point that Rikke make is that you don't necessarily need to start from scratch when switching career: you probably already have a lot to offer, and should start by identifying the existing skills, abilities and personality traits that you already have, and celebrate them, so you can be confident in your worth—even if you don't have all of the experience required.

Then, the challenging of getting the experience? I decided to take advantage of an impending re-structure at my company, putting my hand up for voluntary redundancy. Whilst it was the scariest decision I've probably ever made, it just felt right. I knew that I was no longer driven by (perhaps had never been) performance reviews and the next promotion, I wanted to be valued more for the impact and change I was creating. So, I took the package and spent the subsequent months volunteering on various conservation projects across the globe (which you can read about in some of my other blogs).

In nature, I found my purpose

Whist I travelled the world in search of purpose, I had several epiphanies. It really is amazing what our minds are capable of, when we give them the time and space. My imagination and creativity ran wild, as my connection to the natural world drilled deeper and deeper into my core. I saw firsthand the wonders of an environment brimming with life and colour, and that was it. Finally I knew my reason to live, my reason to fight, my reason to tolerate the prospect of working until I'm 67. I do think it's true that when you find 'that thing' that makes you want to get out of bed in the morning, it no longer feels like just a job—instead it's like your life's work.

Switching career to one rooted in conservation was not simply a professional decision but a calling—a summons to contribute meaningfully to a cause greater than myself. The realisation that our work occupies such a significant portion of our lives served merely as the catalyst, propelling me towards a more fulfilling life—one where I could trade the ordinary pursuit of "success" for a greater, more extraordinary purpose.

Championing the cause of conservation through storytelling and advocacy, I am choosing to embrace change—to chase purpose instead of pound signs—and to challenge the status quo at every opportunity.